7 Ways To Spot North Korean Assassins In Your Local Casino

Written by Nich Moore on 2017-02-16 at 10:54
North Korean Assassins In Your Local Casino Fierce AF. Not sure if Korean, though... (Photo:AskIdeas)
Following the assassination of Kim Jong-nam, half brother of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, at an airport in Malaysia apparently public places are as safe as a Hong Kong floating casino under torpedo attack, so we here present seven useful tips for all those lemming like punters who still thrill seek by eschewing the wonders of Bet365 and travel instead to their local casino in order that they can spot North Korean assassins within the the establishment and take all necessary safety steps.

1. The Tech Level

It might be tricky for those of us not born in south-east Asia to be able to tell at a glance the difference between North and South Koreans. Fortunately old hands will tell you the knack is to eye the technology they're using. The infamous Bureau 121 might be on the bleeding edge of hacking around the world but the rest of the North Korean intelligence services are on a far tighter budget so if that pretty Korean lady is using a phone from six years ago, don't let her stand behind you with a tissue.

2. The Hair Cut

The standardization of style is something for which North Korea is known and whilst in overseas operations agents do tend to change their clothing, they usually don't their hair. Obviously if you are at your local casino in the US gambling laws of coincidence explain why that pretty Korean lady has a dated hairstyle that just happens to match one of the state sanctioned hair cuts in the Democratic People's Republic Of North Korea you should just drop your chips in the nearest trashcan and go home.

North Korean hair 2017
This one is pretty obvious... (Photo: Kotaku)

3. The LOL T-Shirt

This is a dead giveaway. Anyone in the real world (as opposed to that cyber one you keep hearing about on the news) wearing a t-shirt unnecessarily emblazoned with an abbreviation of a physical response should be treated with the utmost suspicion. This is of course partly because they could be North Korean assassins stalking the floor of your local casino but mostly because they're likely to be an annoying hipster who'll make you wish a North Korean assassin would strike them (or you) dead now.

4. Uniformity Of Action

For those in the US gambling news reports of far flung assassinations do not signal a need to take precautionary measures when visited their local casino instead of staying within the warmth and safety of Bet365 , this is probably the one that'll change your mind. North Koreans are well known for their mass choreography and unfortunately that has a tendency to spill over into their day-to-day lives. If you find two Korean ladies both trying to place the same bet at the same time, make for the exits pronto.

5. Thanking The Supreme Leader

Typically overseas operatives have had this beaten out of them during their weeks at the secret replica American town built near Huichon, however the instinct to thank the Supreme Leader for just about everything can still creep through during periods of intense stress (say being on a mission to kill someone) and so if that Korean lady in the funny t-shirt accidentally thanks the great leader when she wins, or worse when passed a drink by any of the staff, it's probably time to check out Bet365  at home.

6. Kwalliso No.22 Tattoos

Being an assassin takes a lot of training both physical and psychological, as part of their training regime all North Korean overseas termination specialists must under-go a period of intense desensitization therapy to remove any reticence they might have about the death of others. To this end all NK assassins are sent to the concentration camp Kwalliso No.22 as guards, and during that time will get the traditional unit tattoo. See a Korean lady with a tat of a Chollima and the number 22? Just run.

Ninja Killers Casino
Mandatory signs for casinos (Photo: JunqueDrawerStudio)

7. You See Dead People At Your Local Casino

No, you won't turn into Bruce Willis should North Korean assassins turn up at your local casino, however assassins by their very nature do tend to have just one purpose in the world and should they be in your vicinity one of the tell tale signs will be an increase, often by several hundred percent, in the number of dead people you can see. Indeed should the number of dead people in your local casino increase at all it's probably time to go home and bet on sports in US on Bet365 instead, right?
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