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Your Stars This Week: October 26, 2015

funny horoscope October 19, 2015

A quick glance at the stars tells us everything we need to know about our future so let’s take a look what they have waiting for you this Halloween.

AriesAries March 21 – April 19

Your lucky online gambling sites this week

That famous Aries Adolf Hitler might have been the most evil person in history but there will be those around you this week that will attempt to make you feel he’s stealing your thunder. Brush off their accusations and don’t lower yourself to debate their straw men arguments, those whose opinions you value know better than to believe such rubbish anyway. Stay calm and try not to let it spook you. Your weekend should be hung over – make it so. Your lucky gruesome death is being garrotted by Elvis. 

TaurusTaurus April 20 – May 20

Your lucky online gambling sites this week

Taurus Shirley Temple might have seemed like an innocent little girl but we all know she was a malevolent force for evil and this week may well see you have to channel her in order to save yourself from having to answer tricky questions. Innocence isn’t easily faked so do the best you can and when in doubt use distraction to shift attention. Don’t worry whatever has come back to haunt you will soon disappear, so just wait it out. Your lucky gruesome death is being disemboweled by Ben Carson.

GeminiGemini May 21 – June 20

Your lucky online gambling sites this week

The well-known Gemini Che Guevara might have loitered around the jungle instilling revolution but it’ll be you needing to see the wood for the trees this week as the number of options outweigh the time you have to spare. Don’t worry you’ll instinctively pick the right things as you’ve a great horoscope for gambling and whether it’s choosing the right social occasion or placing a wager at Bet365 this Halloween you’ll be right on the money. Your lucky gruesome death is being eaten alive by Madonna.

CancerCancer June 21 – July 22

Your lucky online gambling sites this week

Barbara Cartland, a Cancer upon the earth, might have made mockery of human existence in her work but there won’t be anything for you to laugh at this week as things take a serious turn. Be sure to be on top of your game when the faeces hit the rotating air ventilation unit and you should make it through unscathed, you might even have chance to help out those in the same boat but with far less of a paddle to make progress with. Your lucky gruesome death is being asphyxiated by Charlie Sheen in a tutu.

LeoLeo July 23 – August 22

Your lucky online gambling sites this week

Aldous Huxley, another Leo, might have been responsible for a Brave New World but it’s the rest of us suffering through watching it come true. When future plans are discussed this week be sure to voice concerns where warranted, not doing so would let things spiral away out of your control. There’s no need to be heavy handed but a firm tone of voice might well be called for. Your weekend will be relaxing, look forward to it. Your lucky gruesome death is being repeated stabbed by Mahatma Gandhi.

VirgoVirgo August 23 – September 22

Your lucky online gambling sites this week

Mother Teresa, who as well as being a Virgo was a thoroughly horrible person, might have ministered to the needy but that doesn’t mean you have to put up self-centered individuals who think you’re only around as a crutch or shoulder for them to cry on. Be sure to make room for yourself this week as a bit of space now will prevent a meltdown later in the week, and your weekend is going to be busier than you think. Your lucky gruesome death is being thrown into an active volcano by Ann Coulter.

LibraLibra September 23 – October 22

Your lucky online gambling sites this week

Aleister Crowley, also born a Libra, might have had a good knowledge of the occult but it’ll be you that has to weave a little magic this week. Luckily for you if you just follow your heart it’ll all work out fine as you’ve the perfect horoscope for betting, it doesn’t matter if you’re choosing who to back in another bout of office politics or which family member to blow off this weekend, or even placing a wager at Bet365 you’ll get it right. Your lucky gruesome death is being shot in the face by Hillary Clinton.

ScorpioScorpio October 23 – November 21

Your lucky online gambling sites this week

Fellow Scorpio Margaret Mitchell may have penned Gone With The Wind but it’ll be you that doesn’t have to give a damn this week, frankly or otherwise, as those around you busy themselves with themselves pretty much leaving you to your own devices. Try to stay out of their way, stay busy and be ready to chime in when they’re done, especially if they’ve been successful in their endeavors. Your lucky gruesome death is being electrocuted in the throat by a animatronic Caitlyn Jenner.

SagittariusSagittarius November 22 – December 21

Your lucky online gambling sites this week

Sagittarius Augusto Pinochet might have disappeared thousands of his citizens during his brutal rule as head of a military junta, but it’ll be you that has to hide the evidence of past misdeeds this week. Think of it as avoiding unnecessary dredging up of history and not so much as misleading those that perhaps deserve the truth. Whatever ghosts still loiter this might not be the week to let them rattle their chains too loudly. Your lucky gruesome death is being decapitated Tony Blair wielding a scythe in drag.

CapricornCapricorn December 22 – January 19

Your lucky online gambling sites this week

Princess Michael of Kent, Capricorn and parasite, might suck like a thirsty vampire but it’ll be you needing a stiff drink this week as a shock or two comes your way. Remember, if you’re too flabbergasted to speak, stay quiet, it’s better than impersonating a goldfish. Let things settle in your mind before you react to them and when you do react try to remember there’s no point judging people lest they judge you back. Your lucky gruesome death is being immolated by Louis C.K.

AquariusAquarius January 20 – February 18

Your lucky online gambling sites this week

Douglas MacArthur, also an Aquarius, said he would return but it’ll be you facing the return of something hostile this Halloween, and if you don’t know how to react to this imposition from beyond the grave just go with whatever occurs to you first, with one of the most lucky zodiac signs you won’t put a foot wrong and may just dance around the problem entirely, and you might want to put that good fortune to use at 

  • Bet365
  • . Your lucky gruesome death is being impaled on railings by Taylor Swift.

    PiscesPisces February 19 – March 20

    Your lucky online gambling sites this week

    Isabella Beeton, also born a Pisces, might have made millions feel inadequate with her stuffy home guides but it’ll be you that has to take on the mantel of the perfect host this week so be ready for unexpected guests, even if they’re only metaphorical ones. Under no circumstances should you panic about them, they’re only here temporarily and what Halloween isn’t complete with a few nasty surprises? Your lucky gruesome death is being fed into an industrial mincing machine by Johnny Depp.

    Discuss Your Stars This Week: October 26, 2015 | User Rating

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