Chuck Norris always wins. So as a casino owner, you should know better than to allow him into your establishment. Not that you could stop him.
You know the genre of jokes featuring American action star, military hero and patriot Chuck Norris, the man who has single-handedly saved the American people from Communism, Jihad, Latin American drug cartels, crooked government agents, the Yakuza and evil spirits? The man who has defeated every bad guy known to man? We decided to bandwagon on this popular trend and come up with a few jokes of our own.
#1: Chuck Norris doesn’t gamble, he wins
To the casinos out there, good lucking trying to win Chuck’s money. The only man who has ever beaten Chuck Norris was Bruce Lee, and we all know how that turned out in the end.
#2: If it doesn’t involve kicking someone’s ass, Chuck Norris doesn’t do it
Chuck doesn’t sit down and quietly play cards while politely conversing with the other players. If he enters the casino, he will kick someone’s ass. There is a good chance that person will be you. We’re gonna go out on a limb and assume that you don’t want that.
#3: Chuck Norris doesn’t need to count cards. They know what to do
• Chuck Norris doesn’t gamble, he wins
• Chuck probably has no interest in visiting your casino, he doesn’t approve of gambling in the first place
• Forget the house edge; when Chuck plays, the only one with an advantage is him
Most casino managers are wary of card counters gaining an advantage over the dealer and eating into their profits.
With Chuck, you don’t need to worry about that because he doesn’t count cards. He doesn’t need to. He makes up his mind about what he wants the cards to do, and they act accordingly. It’s one of the advantages of being Chuck Norris.
#4: Chuck Norris doesn’t go to Asia except to fight commies
This is a message to any Macau casino operators considering inviting Chuck as a guest. He has no interest in visiting your casino, unless it is filled with North Vietnamese communists which he will then destroy in combat. As we’re assuming that isn’t the case, don’t waste your time.
#5: The only roulette Chuck Norris plays is Russian roulette
Russian roulette violates American gambling laws. This is, except when Chuck plays it. Regardless, no casinos offer the game. That’s a shame, because it’s the only kind of roulette Chuck plays. And he will play it, whether you allow it or not. Don’t worry, Chuck always wins at Russian roulette. It’s the other players you need to worry about.
#6: Chuck Norris doesn’t approve of gambling
Chuck doesn’t approve of anything involving questionable morals. In his view, gambling is one of those things. Season three of Walker Texas Ranger featured an anti-gambling themed episode in which Walker breaks up an illegal betting ring. And yes, he kicks the ass of everyone involved with the operation. If Walker was running Texas, the state wouldn’t have gambling at all.
#7: The only edge the house gets is the edge of Chuck Norris’s hand
Your casino relies on the house edge of each game in order to turn a profit. This is the built-in advantage which the house has over the player. It is around .5 percent in blackjack, 18 percent in roulette, and often more than 20 percent in slots. When Chuck isn’t the player, that is. Any advantage goes to Chuck, and your casino will be bruised, broken and a lot poorer when he leaves.
#8: Chuck Norris doesn’t tip croupiers, croupiers beg for forgiveness
While not a requirement, it is common practice for players to tip the croupier after they’ve won a series of hands. If you haven’t gotten the message, the term “common practice” doesn’t apply to Chuck. He doesn’t tip anyone when he wins. Rather, the croupier apologizes for him not winning more and begs for forgiveness. After all, it’s their fault.
#9: Chuck Norris’s hand beats a Royal Flush
In American poker rooms, the Royal Flush is known as the unbeatable hand. That’s because none of these rooms have been visited by Chuck. His hand has beaten everyone from martial arts masters to Vietnamese communists to Lebanese terrorists to Colombian drug lords. Surely that same hand can beat a Royal Flush.
#10: Chuck Norris exercises his Second Amendment rights, everywhere
As far as we know, all casinos prohibit firearms inside the premise, and for good reason. The problem is, Chuck doesn’t like that. Not at all. He exercises his constitutional right to carry his trusty firearms (emphasis on plural, as this includes everything from six-shooters to 9 millimeters to AK-47s to M-16s to hunting rifles) wherever he damn well pleases, including your casino.
#11: Chuck Norris hits on a 21 and wins
Chuck once made gambling news in Atlantic City by hitting on a 21 and winning. He is the only person in human history to do this. He is also the only person in human history to be Chuck Norris.