With ghastly machines like FOBT lowering the tone of the gambling industry like fat ugly strippers at a funeral it can be easy to think you’re unlikely to run into anyone you know at anything as low rent as your local casino, but don’t whatever you do think you can safely enjoy extra-marital fun with impunity therein, it’s still easy to run across someone who shouldn’t know. If this happens don’t panic here are seven tried and trusted methods to distract people from your slimy sexual behavior.
1. Just Lie
It worked out for Pinocchio eventually, right? Sure, it might seem a tad galling to just blatantly defy the nature of reality and what people are seeing with their own eyes however you’ll quickly find that if you keep doing it often enough, and increasing frequency, people won’t be able to to keep track of what they should be correcting you on at any given time. This will cause most to write you off as either an eccentric or one of the mentally ill – a price you may be willing to pay for the diversion at the time.
2. Fire Someone Or Everyone
This one has the duel benefits of not only distracting people in your local casino from your nefarious activities, but also rids you of someone you don’t like or want to listen to anymore. This should save you the tedious business of having to select people at random. For the best effect then hire the wholly unsuitable to take their place, this has been tried and tested (just ask poor Anthony Scaramucci) and will definitely distract just about all those taking advantage of US gambling laws in your local casino.
3. Plan A Wall Around Your Local Casino
Providing both a physical barrier to more people arriving and witnessing your activities as well as being a ludicrous waste of time, money and resources, this should distract just about anyone with an ounce of sense in your local casino as they desperately attempt to point out the massive flaws with such an undertaking. Ignore them, each moment they grow increasingly irate and emotional is another moment they’re not paying attention to what you’re doing. For bonus points have troops guard it.
4. Tweet Like A Bolshy Toddler
No one in the US gambling news cycles in the modern era would focus on Twitter prior to the 2016 election could have been taken seriously. However these days one can simply thumb-wank a message out to one’s “followers” and have half the world’s press wasting column inches on it as if they were Scott Pruitt frittering away tax dollars. Given enough controversy or outright lies (see 1) a good barrage of tweets should neatly distract the attention of anyone in your local casino keeping an eye on you.
5. Say Something Racist
So shockingly unacceptable this usually stops anyone in their tracks. They can be half way through pointing out the girl on your arm isn’t your wife and yet throw out something disgustingly racist and they’ll pull up short to try and come to terms with what you’ve just said. Call your neighbors murderers, rapists and drug mules, describe neo-nazi killers as “good people” or just call every nation on Earth white people don’t inhabit as being “shit hole countries” and just how quickly they forget that girl.
6. Hang Out With Someone Doing Worse
There is no bigger distraction from your crimes and misdemeanors than some guy next to you in your local casino ripping the heads off babies or setting fire to otters. Try to arrange a summit meeting with someone truly horrific like Kim Jong-un and let the press make semi-flattering comparisons about how you might be a complete emotional cripple and treat women like shit but at least you haven’t set up death camps and started shooting people for trying to cross the border without permission……yet.
7. Bomb Syria
Yes, yes, this is the expensive option but if nothing else is working, if they just won’t ignore your affair, you too may have to order the world’s largest military force to strike at the heart of a chemical weapons program you’ve known about for years. If you’re not in a position to order airstrikes from that table in your local casino where you bet on sports in the US, don’t worry, you can always just set fire to something and blame anyone you feel knows too much and could benefit from being jailed or executed.