7 Ways To Spot A Missing Nuke In Your Favorite Local Casino

Posted: November 8, 2016

Updated: November 8, 2016

Any other week and someone finding a lost nuclear weapon would be the headline story, but what with the US election and the Cubs finally winning the World Series again the discovery of a nuke missing these last sixty six years has had to take a back seat in the media. Commercial diver Sean Smyrichinsky’s find off British Colombia reduces the number of unrecovered missing nuclear weapons to just five, so if you want to find one you’ll have to be quick, and with that in mind we present our top seven tips for spotting a missing nuclear weapon in your favorite local casino or Satta Club.

1. Art Or Arsenal?

So easily overlooked by those more used to the direct functionality of online gambling hubs like Bet365 the dazzling surroundings of your favorite local casino could easily distract you from noticing a nuclear weapon. Is it a work of modern art purchased to add to the ambiance or a Mark 18 Ivy King device that could level a large city at the flick of a switch. When making your way to the tables it is vital that you keep your eye out for any obvious recent metallic cylindrical additions to the lobby.

2. One Our The Slot Machines Is Massing

Slot machines come in a bewildering array of types and varieties with ever more intricate games and opportunities, your favorite local casino has dozens, but if you notice a new addition to their gaming floor, be sure to check it out just in case. Should placing a coin in the slot produce a request for a 256 character hexadecimal security code or retinal scan you could well be looking at not the next best game permitted under US gambling laws, but a Russian made R-36M2 re-entry vehicle that needs a home.

Slot Machines in a casino

Missing slots might indicate a hidden nuclear bomb

3. When In Doubt Glow Fishing

Missing Nuclear Weapon Found

  • British Colombia
  • Sean Smyrichinsky
  • B-36 crash in 1950
  • 5 other nukes missing

Should the weapon have been damaged in its loss (and anything can happen in a half dozen decades) there could well be a radiation leak, and whilst we do not for a moment suggest you rush around your favorite local casino with a Geiger counter, but if you notice a greenish hazy glow from the tables and the baize doesn’t seem to be very illuminating then perhaps, just perhaps there’s a broken Blue Peacock nuclear device somewhere on the premises and doses of Iodine will be vital to your long term survival.

4. Extra Hands At The Blackjack Table

Naturally any broken missing nuclear weapon in your favorite local casino, say French AN-52 would produce some obvious radiation bourne mutations among the regular staff and should your blackjack dealer have three arms or two heads, you might want to make further inquiries. It could just be Comicon. And anyone in the US gambling news of such deformities would have long since revealed the site of a missing nuclear weapon should think again, most people are far too polite to mention them.

5. The Highest Bidders

Obviously should your favorite local casino be linked to any missing nuclear weapons it is unlikely to be you alone that feels in the mood to get your hands on it (make a lovely garden feature, wouldn’t it?) and should you notice a large number of swarthy men with bulging jackets and no sense of humor just make sure they ARE the regular security staff and not a team of international terrorists here to whisk the weapon away to be used later in an atrocity against humanity like blowing up Bet365 headquarters.

casino high rollers

High rollers are not to be trusted!

6. We’re From The Government And We’re Here To Help.

Did They Nuke Your Favorite Local Casino?

  • Are there staff with mutations?
  • Are they a military recovery unit?
  • Does the roulette table glow in the dark?
  • Is it a sculpture or a missing nuke?

Terrorists on the hunt for missing nuclear weapons is the sort of thing that attracts attention from the authorities and should you find yourself surrounded by men in hazmat suits screaming and pointing guns your favorite local casino could well be the latest hot zone for the Government’s recovery team. They will have even less sense of humor than the terrorists and are likely to make you wish you’d stayed at home playing on Bet365. Under no circumstances ask them if they know Dr Strangelove.

7. Your Favorite Local Casino Is Mushroom Cloud Shaped

This will be a manifest giveaway to even the most lackluster of nuke hunters, however if you like to bet on sports in the US a trip to your favorite local casino could well be so exciting that you miss the blinding white flash, the massive fireball, the deafening sound, the huge blast wave and somewhat iconic shaped dust cloud a nuclear detonation produces, however should your eyes begin to melt, your body disassemble itself into its component atoms or cease to exist, you may want to check the skyline.

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