Whilst he’s well known for global logistics Santa also regularly moonlights in other professions and so we present this simple list of easy to spot Santa working in your local casino. Please see our other casino guides if you’re concerned zombies, ghosts or the Loch Ness monster have taken the establishment, this is specifically for Santa sighting and identification.
1. The Sleigh
It might sound obvious but some people, who like to bet at their local casino rather than at home where they can bet on sports in the US on Bet365, are apt to miss this dead giveaway. Remember a sleigh comes in a fair bit longer than most vehicles and you’re unlikely to see it taking up space in the staff parking lot, so check out the roof if you can, or any nearby truck stops. Under no circumstances, should you find an unattended sleigh on the roof of your local casino, attempt to fly it. Santa is a professional and licensed by the FAA, you’re not and since 9/11 the Air Force shoot first and think of excuses later.
2. The Reindeer
Unlike most mall displays or postcard images you may have seen, no one actually leaves a sleigh around with all the reindeer hooked up in their tack, so if Santa is working at your local casino this Christmas there will be a group of wandering quadrupeds grazing nearby. Look for half chewed ornamental hedges, any animal with an illuminating nose and obvious signs of reindeer shit in the lobby. Reindeer are not in of themselves dangerous, however whilst pulling a sleigh loaded with an unfeasible weight of gifts you may find momentum is an enemy all of its own. Don’t get in the way.
3. Elves At The Craps Table
Santa at Your Local Casino
- Reindeer in the parking lot?
- Sleigh on the roof?
- Elves at the craps table?
- It must be Christmas!
No man can be Santa alone, apparently, although I fear any half decent woman could make a good stab at it, and the presence of numerous individuals of a diminutive size clustered enthusiastically around one of the tables in your local casino should be quite hard to miss. US gambling laws do not regulate the number of elves permitted in any gambling establishment so expect the entire toy-factory to be around somewhere, but do be careful not to confuse them with boy scouts. Remember, elves may lurk below normal eye-lines and so could get under your feet and trip you. They’re an elf and safety hazard.
4. The Croupier Demands You Sit On His Lap
This is one of the most frequent mistakes Santa’s make when trying to work in gambling establishments like your local casino. You’ll never be asked to sit on anyone’s lap on Bet365 but a Santa, even heavily disguised, finds it almost impossible to go against his basic instincts and will invariably attempt to coax you onto his lap. It is imperative that you do not allow yourself to be so seated. This is because it is a) undignified, b) unhygienic and c) likely to leave you feeling a bit of a prick. Should the croupier be persistent contact the pit boss immediately to complain.
5. You’re Asked If You’ve Been Naughty Or Nice
If there’s one thing no one needs at their local casino it is someone making value judgments about the manner in which we have conducted ourselves over the last 12 months. Typically lives are not easily categorized into one of two neatly named states, and indeed the only realistic answer the vast majority of the planet could ever give would be “both”, so should you suddenly be asked this trick question, particularly by anyone with a beard, the chances are you’ve just hit on a Santa moonlighting. The correct response, by the way, is “Never mind that, fatboy, when did you stop beating your wife?”
6. Repetitive Use Of The Word “Ho”
Whilst no Santa attempting to work at your local casino would be stupid enough to use his catch phrase of “Ho Ho Ho!” there’s still a certain intonation to the syllable that a Santa couldn’t avoid if he tried, and this will give him away as surely as the faint aroma of reindeer urine. If you’re unsure and feel the need to double check, just hang around and see if he can use the word “Ho” around the hostesses without getting his balls kicked up inside his skull, because only Santa could get away with that. Other well known Santa-esque phrases may also give away a lurking father Christmas at work.
7. If It Looks Like A Santa……..
If you don’t use Bet365 you may find yourself making US gambling news headlines for engaging in an all night strip poker game with the boys from Duck Dynasty, but if not the chances are that the big fat bearded guy who doesn’t get out much with the twinkle in his eye and fur around his uniform cuffs working in your local casino actually IS Santa. Of course it could be the personification of empty soulless capitalism slowly luring us into a spiraling death roll of consumerism that will lay waste to our civilization and destroy all our hopes, dreams and futures…….but it’s probably Santa. Right?