Distract Yourself, Bet On The Name Of The Next Royal Child

Posted: September 7, 2017

Updated: October 4, 2017

Watching the 45th resident of the White House bumble his way through his presidency like Eric Cartman on bad acid is horrifically depressing and in the wake of his response to the Charlottesville murder and recent rescinding of DACA it seems set to only get worse, fortunately you don’t have to partake in US political gambling to wager on a big baby anymore as the British Royals announce there’s another on the way, so guess what? It’s time to bet on the name of the next royal child. Hurrah!

  • Will Alice win out over the 10/1 odds it gets at Bet365?
  • Might Will & Kate pick the 33/1 shot Amelia?
  • May we see a princess Isabella despite the 40/1 long odds?
  • Would they name their child after Diana, a 16/1 chance?

Now I know what some of you are thinking. You’re thinking surely with Brexit looming over Britain like Irma over Florida and the H-bomb armed North Koreans about to start a war with the special kid in class who we always seem to try and protect, the people of this proud island nation have better things to be doing than worrying about a bet on the name of the next royal child, however it is precisely in these kind of grim situation that the UK turns to frivolous stupidity for comfort in times of crisis and chaos.

Prince George goes to school
source: Kensington Palace Twitter

Obviously in Britain “frivolous stupidity” is called “charming eccentricity” and there is a bizarre persistence in popularity of the Royal Family means that there’s quite a swathe of old biddies in middle England who’d want to wager on the event. UK gambling laws permit such things and indeed the bookies like Bet365 make quite the song and dance about it. In these dark days a bet on the name of the next royal child is, after all, light, almost comic, relief when Donald Trump gets 11/4 to win again in 2020.

You may, if you wish, gamble on the gender of the child, with Boy and Girl both getting an even handed 5/6 from sites like Bet365 where it appears you can bet on the name of the next royal child but not if it will or won’t turn out to be a lizard shapeshifter. This seems an oversight. Likewise I find no hermaphrodite options, which I feel is less than PC in this day and age, however this is more than made up for by the vast array of choices when it comes to the name they’ll bestow on their new offspring.

Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge will have their third child in the Spring, by which time the tabloid press will have built themselves up into another orgasmic frenzy of idiocy, leaving the rest of journalism to once again be hugely embarrassed, and there will be more than a few people in the UK gambling news coverage will border on the near hysterical as more and more Britons are distracted from the real issues facing the country by a bet on the name of the next royal child. The government for one.

Bet On The Name Of The Next Royal Child At Bet365

Baby Name Odds
Albert, Diana, Catherine,
Kate, Mary, Henry, Caroline

Alexander, Alexandra,
Grace, Arthur, Philip, Elizabeth

James, Victoria


At this stage the early favorite at Bet365 is Alice at 10/1 but there are plenty of other choices with James at 12/1 leading the way for the boys if you’re going to bet on the name of the next royal child. There are some slightly unusual options of course, this is the UK after all, with Sophie or Eleanor out on the wild edge of 50/1 along with the dreary John at the same odds and Isabella (which I think quite pretty really) at 40/1 with Helen, Harry, and Sarah. I couldn’t find odds on Tarquin, Muriel or Zack.

Diana gets 16/1 which seems a little generous, and Bet365 will give you 33/1 on Louis although that too seems a tad short on something so unlikely. William gets 25/1 and Kate 16/1 but neither seem the sort to do that to their children, and whilst Arthur gets 14/1 who’s going to take the risk on that? If you’re outside blighty forgoing a bet on sports in the UK to place a bet on the name of the next royal child might seem incredibly bizarre, but for those in those green and pleasant lands, it’s all they have.

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