From Grizzly to Pandas: If Casino Companies were Bears

Imagine casino companies, for some reason, were now bears; who’d be the panda and who’d be the grizzly?

If casino companies were somehow all bears, gamblers would be left in a strange place; sure the casinos would still be there, but they would be run, organized and managed by bears. Bears couldn’t cope with maintaining many businesses, let alone casinos; at least, I don’t think they could.

Although, during the Battle of Monte Casino (apt name) in what is arguably one of the strangest things to happen in warfare, a Syrian Brown Bear named Wojtek was officially drafted into the Polish Army as a corporal; he mainly helped carry ammunition crates, and it’s rumored that he never dropped a single shell. Honestly, this actually happened.

So maybe they could be up to the task, but It’s still doubtful, even despite Wojtek.

If bears running casinos somehow became a reality, mobile casinos would still be around so don’t worry my gambling friends; there’s still going to be a way. Anyway, we’ve imagined if some of the biggest casino companies were actually now bears, and appropriately assigned each one with the most likely corresponding bear species.

So, yeah…bare with me; no, put your clothes back on, I meant bear with me.

Bears, Bears, Bears

First things first, no-one’s going to be a Koala. This is because a Koala is not actually one of the recognized species of bear. To make this easier, let’s just clarify what bears are real quick.

Bears are mammals like me and you; they also have a plantigrade walk like we do – that means they walk on their heels. Generally they will have large bodies, short legs, a snout, small ears, forward facing eyes and a stub for a tail. If it doesn’t look like that, you’re probably looking at a large dog.

Bears that are not bears
 
• Koala Bears
• Teddy Bears
• Winnie-the-pooh Bear

All bears are classified as carnivores, but they all eat plants to one degree or another. The panda, for example, is almost exclusively a plant eater; the polar bear is almost entirely a carnivore.

There are considered to be eight species of bear found in the world, although there are many more sub species too. I’m only going to be focusing on the eight classifications which are, The North American Black Bear, Brown Bears, Polar Bears, Asiatic Black Bears, Panda Bears, Sloth Bears, Sun Bears and the Andean Bear which is also known as a Spectacled Bear. Koala bears are not bears, by the way; because they’re marsupials.

Unsuccessful bear, Unsuccessful casino

Unquestionably, the Panda is the stupidest of all bears. The Panda chooses to live on a diet of nothing but bamboo, which considering their omnivore digestive tract, is a poor choice. Bamboo contains hardly any nutritional value, and barely any protein or calories, which results in the panda being pretty much constantly exhausted. Due to the poor value of this dietary choice, the panda will need to consume vast amounts of the plant, leading it to defecate about 40 times per day. Pandas are not very social, and they almost never mate; both possibly a result of their lack of energy giving foods.

So, SunCruz Casinos, which are actually now gone but they still make the list, are the Pandas of the casino world. Due to the strict American gambling laws, the SunCruz casino line was a cruise service that offered gamblers trips to nowhere; the destination actually being international waters where passengers could gamble freely. This was great until the company closed due to being in debt worth over $300,000, which is pretty stupid. A few years later the owner Gus Boulis was suspiciously murdered, which definitely could’ve been related to his dealings while operating the business.

Big and Cool

Polar bears can be found around the Arctic Circle, and although they are land animals they will spend most of their time in the sea. They are considered to be the largest of all the bear types; they are often associated with the giant brand Coca-Cola. So the Polar Bear would be the largest casino operator in terms of revenue, which is SJM Holdings Limited; who made around $9.7 billion in 2011. SJM Holdings are one of the companies authorized to operate casino games in Macau. That’s big.

Although cool in temperature, the Polar Bear is not the coolest bear in nature; a title which has been given to the Spectacled Bear, named due to markings around their eyes. These animals live mainly in the trees and survive off a diet heavily consisting of termites, which for a bear is odd but also something which makes them uniquely cool. Caesars Entertainment which are generally regarded as a seriously trendy casino organization, and boast some of the best American poker rooms around, are the spectacled bear; they usually achieve revenues of a cool $6.2 billion too.

Unpredictably Nice?

The Las Vegas Sands Corp. has a history of both very generous charitable work, and some serious allegations of breaking anti-bribery regulations with foreign officials in China. The company is also well known for their friendly dealings through many well-established corporate relationships.

For this strange combination the Sands Corp. would be Asian Black Bears, who are known for their unpredictable behavior which at times can be extremely dangerous, and often deadly; as-well as being the American Black Bears, who have the reputation of being the world’s friendliest bears. Office antics of the two vastly differing bears at the Sands Corp. would be interesting, to say the least.

Aged, and Aggressive

The oldest species of bear in the world in the Sun Bear who have a seriously big appetite for honey-comb and an even seriously bigger tongue. It’s fair to expect these bears would run the oldest casino in the world which is the Casino de Venezia, operated currently by Casinò Municipale Venezia. This casino was founded in 1638; so yeah, it’s pretty old.

This brings us to the most aggressively wild type of bear, the Sloth Bear. Although, they have the potential to be tamed, when in the wild these bears can attack humans for no reason what-so-ever, and they seem to have a strangely tense relationship with elephants and tigers. Much like the aggressive business model at MGM Resorts International; The company shifted its business model from fully owning and operating resorts and casinos, to being more real estate focused—launching the massive Citycenter mixed-use project.

Unfortunately, the latter's development coincided with vast overbuilding on the Strip and a global financial crisis, causing large losses and writedowns in valuation. Bad move; too aggressive. Going back to the bear, remember Baloo, from The Jungle Book? Baloo was a sloth bear.

I haven’t assigned any casino company the honor of being the Brown Bear, as they are generally regarded as totally boring bears, so what-ever casino they are, no-one goes there anyway.

Bears are not casino owners, but if they were, this is the way things would no doubt be. This is much less like gambling news, than it is like a bear fans critical analysis of bear species’ suitability to run certain types of businesses.

Right, I can’t bear anymore bears. Go gamble.