Kong Skull Island
• Release March 9th 2017
◦ Tom Hiddleston
◦ Samuel L Jackson
◦ Brie Larson
◦ John Goodman
• Cert: 12A
As Kong Skull Island proves the abnormal ape is not a relic of the days when 3D animation was stop-motion and should you eschew your ability to take advantage of UK gambling laws at home on the likes of Bet365, and instead seek out the atmosphere of your local casino, you might well run across the massive monkey, so just what should you look out for so you can spot him before he spots you? We list the top seven ways to tell if King Kong is in your local casino.
1. Footprints In The Carpark
Sure, the huge ape on the roof swiping at aircraft might be a dead giveaway but what if Kong is at the tables when you arrive? You’re going to have to look for other signs that the big boy has been by, and what better way than to rely on most urban public surfaces not actually having been designed to support the weight of 7 meter high ape. Crushed vehicles, footprints in the asphalt, pubes in the ornamental fountains; All these can be a sure sign that King Kong is in your local casino.
2. Flaming Wreckage Outside Your Local Casino
Regardless of how many times the King Kong legend is rebooted by Hollywood King Kong is always portrayed being a one-ape dip in the air accident statistics for whatever location he happens to be in. Be it swatting at bi-planes, slapping jets out of the air or playing whack-a-huey on Skull Island it would seem every where King Kong goes there’s a good deal of flaming wreckage about the place. Should you spot any near your local casino go home and place a bet on sports in UK on Bet365 instead.
3. Fearful Tribesmen At The Bar
Where there is King Kong there’s a tribe of fearful tribes-people with poorly painted faces, very few skills beyond basic spear waving, and a tendency to kidnap anyone that looks slightly blonde and feed them to a massive monkey. Thankfully Kong infested islands tend to be short on amenities and even if there are fearful tribesmen in your local casino they should have been distracted from their usual poke and kidnap routine by the bar, or in some extreme cases the floor show, but only if the band’s famous.
4. The Musak Has Been Replaced With Spooky Chanting
No self-respecting tribe of massive-ape-worshiping South Pacific islanders would be caught dead without an endless droning chant that spookily lingers in the background during their initial scenes and can usually be purchased on CD from the gift shop. Should your local casino replace the usual subliminal messages hidden inside common or garden muzak with anything sounding just a bit too sepulchral for its own good, you might decide that Bet365 and the sofa are a far safer bet that night.
5. Damsel In Distress
It should be noted that not any woman in distress in your local casino is an indication that King Kong is present, however should you see one chained to the wall screaming, or indeed being lofted into the sky clutched in a massive hairy fist, you might just want to check with her that King Kong isn’t involved. Should you discover that he IS in some way connected with her distress you should under no circumstances stage a rescue. Your local casino has bus boys for that sort of thing, so just sit tight.
6. A Wooden Figure At The Tables
The latest incarnation of the King Kong story brings with it a few innovations including the use of helicopters, the whole crawler thing and the over use of a wooden mannequin to portray one of the leading characters. I’m not saying that Tom Hiddleston couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag, I don’t know any who’d let him in, but I would just caution you that if you find yourself gambling in your local casino next to a man with the acting talent of a tailors dummy leave immediately for Bet365 at home.
7. Massive Gorilla Turds In The Bathrooms
One would hope I’d not be alone in the UK gambling news that the bathrooms have been discovered to be entirely full of Gorilla shit is enough of a sign to make even the most unobservant of gamblers rush home to the safety of Bet365, however given the Brexit vote and the election of Donald Trump I’m afraid I can no longer assume this to be case, so I’ll spell it out for you. If the bathrooms of your local casino are FULL of feces, and the buffet isn’t doing shrimp, then Kong is around and you shouldn’t be.