1. Linus Sebastian vs Austin Evans
There’s nothing quite like watching two computer nerds beat seven bells out of each other and because neither of the hosts of these two YouTube tech channels are what one might call macho the ensuing combat is likely to be a brief tussle involving hair pulling, eye scratching and the swift application of a badminton racquet. It’ll be easy to spot if this fight is going ahead in your local casino because the entire place will be decked out in strobing RGB lighting kits and be streaming live across China.
2. Giorgio A Tsoukalos vs Richard Dawkins
Your local casino will throng with academics if this fight goes ahead with much of the smart money on Dawkins, author of “The God Delusion”, to batter Tsoukalos into a bloody senseless pulp whilst all the while screaming “Show me some real proof!!” at the top of his voice. Indeed if you enjoy a bet on sports in the UK the best side wager on this match up would be the one Bet365 might offer on actual Ancient Aliens turning up mid-bout to assist Giorgio avoid being left for dead at the side of the ring.
3. The Pope vs Lady Gaga
You can expect Lady Gaga to arrive dressed as Satan for this one and be favorite right from the start at Bet365 to turn Pope Francis into a holy ghost by the end of the first round. The Pontiff might have some reach on the singer but that won’t stop her ripping into him like sexual abuse victim in the Vatican with a machine gun, and it’ll probably take a miracle to prevent the shoes of the fisherman being covered in blood within moments as a well placed stiletto heel to the face is likely to end this one fast.
4. Vladimir Putin vs Pussy Riot
This is probably going to be the most brutal fight ever at your local casino and bound to gain the largest audience, after all, who among those of us who regularly take advantage of UK gambling laws won’t want to see a former KGB officer well known for his machismo take on a half dozen topless angry feminists? It’ll be standing room only. Oh, but as a safety precaution, if you’re planning to attend in person, do wear a hazmat suit and leave any hackable mobile computing device or smartphone at home.
5. Gerard Depardieu vs Harvey Weinstein
With the famous French actor now accused of rape by a 22 year old actress this would be a clash of the fat and horrific, and your local casino will be as full of undercover child protection officers as it could be without being too obvious, so this might be one to watch at home. Obviously Depardieu will have the best of the odds at Bet365, especially if he’s had a few drinks, but on the night in your local casino anything could happen, especially if Weinstein brings his lawyers and ex-Mossad agents to the fight.
6. Chris Martin vs Ariana Grande
Described as a battle of the bland this would be perhaps the most interesting fight on our card at you local casino, after all Chris Martin is demonstrably incapable of being mean and Ariana Grande is building up quite the knot of aggression against men following the Manchester Arena attack upon her concert. The Coldplay singer might have a size advantage but I’ve a feeling Ariana might well prove “God is a Woman” and batter him stupid, so, if you’re going to bet on the result at Bet365, pick her.
7. Donald Trump vs Melania Trump
If you’re in the UK gambling news headlines wouldn’t scream in sheer joy were this fight to go ahead you just don’t understand the mentality of the tabloid press. I have no idea who Bet365 would give the better of the odds to on this one. Donald would probably refuse to admit he’d been touched however smeared in his own blood his face became and I worry Melania would hold back from actually killing the President because of the secret service in your local casino and the fear she might just chip a nail.