7 Things To Do If You Get An ICBM Alert In Your Local Casino

Posted: January 16, 2018

Updated: May 22, 2018

With residents of Hawaii having been treated to the thrill of thinking they were about to die in a surprise attack by nuclear tipped ballistic missiles it is only a matter of time before the rest of us too can enjoy this delightful experience, but if you’re at the tables of your local casino enjoying the freedoms US gambling laws provide what should you do when you receive that fateful message? We take a look at seven things to consider.

1. Ask The Croupier To Dance

As other patrons of your local casino panic at the news of an incoming ICBM attack, begin to run around like headless chickens and look for exceptionally pointless shelter, perhaps weeping hysterically or desperately attempting to contact loved ones on suddenly extremely busy mobile phone networks, you should remember to have a little class at this, the end of the world, so remain calm and ask the croupier to waltz. If you’re about to be incinerated in an atomic fireball you may as well go out in style.

2. Kick The Crap Out Of A Slot Machine

Go on, you know you want to. Look upon this, the final few moments of your life, as an opportunity to get some revenge on those ghastly bleeping, blinking machines. Under normal circumstances taking to a slot machine in your local casino with a heavy blunt object would normally be an invitation for the security guards to bounce your face off a nearby sidewalk a few times, but they’ll probably be quite busy panicking, arming themselves and worrying about who’ll pay all the overtime in an apocalypse.

ICMB Alert

3. Call The White House

Typically phoning the White House and giving a forthright and frank opinion of the current resident, employing undiplomatic and colorful language possibly involving death threats, is likely to result in a visit from the Secret Service and lifetime membership on certain registers. However should you have eschewed placing the odd bet on sports in the US on BetVictor and are instead in your local casino when the ballistic missile warning comes, make the call, what are they going to do? Kill you again?

4. Drink The Bar Of Your Local Casino Dry

As many people flee and others go to pieces so fast you could get hit by the shrapnel, it might be wise to head over to the bar and see if any of the staff have decided to stick it out to the bitter end. If it’s still staffed immediately order one of everything, should there be a distinct absence of non-gibbering bar staff immediately help yourself to one of everything. There is no scientific evidence that extreme alcohol intake just prior to a nuclear detonation will have any beneficial effects, but try it anyway.

5. Try Russian Roulette

Naturally your local casino will be full of fellow gamblers, those not safely at home gambling on BetVictor, and if in the United States many of these will be armed, so why not organize a quick game of Russian Roulette? Given the circumstances there should be plenty of people around in suicidal mood, most of whom will be just as curious to play this game made so famous in The Deer Hunter. Please do remember that you’ll need a wheel gun not an automatic to effectively play the game.

ICMB Alert

6. Start A Proto-Society In The Basement

It’s the apocalypse and there’s only going to be the quick and the dead by the end of the day so don’t waste any time, immediately collect together anyone even vaguely sexually attractive in your local casino, take to the deepest basement you can find, and proclaim yourself a messiah sent by god to lead the survivors of the apocalypse as they rebuild the world. This may not actually increase your chances of survival but will almost certainly be a distraction from the ball shriveling terror of a nuclear attack.

7. Continue Gambling With Higher Stakes

Given there is actually very little of any practical use you can do to survive a nuclear attack, and survival itself is of dubious value you may not alone in the US gambling news of impending doom is incorrect, exaggerated or deliberately false, and that if it is in fact genuine there’s next to nothing you can do about it, and won’t feel any real need to interrupt your gambling. Indeed the only sane thing to do under the circumstances is to remain in your local casino, carry on gambling and raise the stakes.

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