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Gambling Jokes and Puns

  • These jokes are written for single cell life forms
  • Even your dad would despair
  • Your IQ will fall as you read
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Lets find some gambling jokes and puns. Most of these would fall under the category of “dad jokes”. This means that they’re the type of sad and lame jokes your dad might find amusing. If he went total retard. But would just make any normal person cringe with embarrassment and shame. As if we care!

Card Jokes and Puns

God, these are beyond depressing. It’s as if there was a competition for the world’s most crap joke and these came in last place. Run a warm bath and grab a razor blade…I’m sorry it’s come to this…

Why can’t pirates play cards? Because they’re standing on the deck!
What has a heart and no organs? A deck of cards!
How does the Eskimo make a house of cards? Igloos it! (It glues it)
Sign you might have a poker addiction: your children are named Check and Raise.
Your best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need at first is two hearts and a diamond. But in the end, you wish you had a club and spade.

To restore you faith in humanity, check out these online poker sites in the UK.

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Joke’s on you! None of these are funny!

Poker Jokes and Puns

Jeeezzz…who made these up? Is there no shame in the world? Throw the noose over the tree branch and climb onto the wobbly chair….here we go…

I used to love eating chips until I got barred from the casino.

Did well at strip poker the other night. I played my socks off.

I took a gamble and bought a small boat without seeing it first. It was a punt.

Why are large maps rubbish at playing poker? They always fold.

I’m going to an Abba themed poker night. The winner takes it all.

What do you call a professional poker player who broke up with his girlfriend? – Homeless.
Santa Claus is a super easy opponent; he always checks it twice (WTF!).
Jeff was a little shy at the Poker table. He didn’t want to show his hand just yet.
Everyone said that Cody would be a wonderful made all he does is fold!
The tiger was mad that he lost at Poker last night. He said that this is the last time he plays with a cheetah.

More Sad Gambling Jokes and Puns.

You have stood on the edge and peered over into the dark abyss. No more tears to cry. All hope was gone at the very first sentence. Nothing remains but anguish and grief at the ten minutes of life you’ve just wasted reading this. Now jump!

Q: What did the dealer say to the deck of cards? A: “I can’t deal with you anymore.”
Q: What do craps dealers eat for dessert? A: Dice pudding.
Q: How’s a casino like a good woman? A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back!
Q: What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? A: In a casino, you really mean it!
Q: How can you tell if a poker player is bluffing? A: His chips are moving.
Q: When is the only time you split tens in Black Jack? A: When the table is full and your buddies need a seat.
Q: What kind of shark is always gambling? A: A Card Shark

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Say “Cheetah”! I dare you. I double dare you!

Dear Lord, Make it Stop!

I think I just vomited into my mouth a little. If you thought that jokes are meant to lighten the mood, then I have some news for you. Read on and despair…

Q: What does a Black Jack player eat for dinner? A: Whatever his comp card allows him to.
Q: Whats the difference between poker players and politicians? A: Politicians tell the truth.
Q: Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? A: You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.
Q: What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? A: In about ten years, the dog quits whining.
Q: What did a blonde from England bring a bag of french fries to a poker game? A: Someone told her to bring her own chips.

A man walks into the bar and says to the barman “I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”. The bartender pondered the bet “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me $500! ” The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet those guys in the corner $1000 each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”

Oh No! Yet even More Gambling Jokes and Puns

Hello darkness my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again.

Q: What card game do lesbians play? A: Poke-her
Q: What do vampires play poker for? A: High Stakes!
Q: Why are most gamblers married? A: Because marriage is a gamble.
Q: What’s the hardest thing about play mini baccarat? A: Telling your parents your gay!
Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch? A: Pay him for the Pizza.

A man walks into a butcher’s shop and asks the butcher: “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher says “Yes”, so the man said: “I bet you $10 that you can’t reach up and touch that Beef hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.” “But I thought you were a gambling man” the man retorts. “Yes I am” says the butcher “but the steaks are too high.

We’ve Reached the Bottom of the Barrel….Keep Going!

If I see the word “Cheetah” again, I’ll pluck out my own eyes with a tea spoon. After reading these jokes, your IQ has dropped lower than whale shit.

Q: Why isn’t gambling allowed in Africa? A: Because of all the cheetahs
Q: What does a gambling addict eat? A: Poker Chips and Salsa.
Q: How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? A: Their paradise (pair-o-dice) was taken away from them!

I was just about to place my chips on the roulette table at the casino when the African man standing next to me gave me a nudge and said, “Black, 33.” I shook his hand and said, “White, 28.”

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money’s on Bob.

It was easy money playing poker with a bunch of origami enthusiasts. They just kept folding.

After lots of careful research, I’ve devised an infallible way to win at Roulette. Step one: open a casino.

I’m dead!

OK…some online poker news to cheer you up here.

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