Seven “Alternative Facts” About Your Local Casino

Whilst most of us do our gambling at home on sites like Bet365 there are still those who endanger themselves by seeking out the atmosphere of their local casino, however perhaps they'd think twice if they knew the truth that has gone unreported about this establishment. In order to emulate that fountain of veracity Kellyanne Conway, and in tribute to the ever honest Sean Spicer, we thought we'd share with you seven “alternative facts” about your local casino.

1. The Heating System Is Powered By Hamsters

Obviously everyone is awfully concerned about the environment and none more so than your local casino who have, in recent years, converted the heating system for their entire complex to run off the clean and green energy created by a room full of hamster wheels. Force fed amphetamines these rampant rodents often produce excess electricity that your local casino sells back to local power companies at a profit. If you listen carefully between the muzak tracks you can hear them squeaking.

2. There Are Spy Cameras In The Sandwiches

US gambling laws are notoriously tight but not as tight as security at your local casino. A system comprising of numerous armed and dangerous members of staff, sniffer dogs, a radiological threat detection unit and a team from DARPA who are looking for unwilling volunteers to test their latest inventions out on. The sandwich-cam is one of these novel security measures on trial, so just remember that BLT is watching you, an invasion of privacy that sites like Bet365 wouldn't even countenance.

3. Tupac Shakur Works In Your Local Casino As A Barman

Don't believe all that rubbish about him dying, that's just fake news, he actually disappeared got a new identity and now works in your local casino as a late shift barman four nights a week. Despite extensive plastic surgery he got in North Korea Tupac is still easily identifiable by his distinctive walk and tendency to wear things in his hair, and during the summer months by the tattoos which have resisted all attempts to erase them. Mr. Shakur now answers to the name of Nathanial Frederick Debussey.

4. The Craps Table Was Once Used For Human Sacrifices

Your local casino doesn't want this particular fact to hit the US gambling news headlines any time soon, the population wouldn't take kindly to a gambling paradise nearby that is using, for one of its most popular games, a table that once saw the blood of slain virgins drip lazily into crimson pooling stains on the patterned carpets. Obviously these days satanic rituals are no longer carried out in your local casino, the cleaning staff complained and just where are you going to find a virgin these days?

5. All The Chips Are Implanted With RFI Monitoring

The marketing staff of your local casino are constantly striving to improve the quality of your gambling experience as they continue with their futile efforts to compete with online gambling legends like Bet365, and in order to better acquaint themselves with the habits of their customers they've fitted all the chips in the casino with RFI tags so they can track their movement throughout the casino premises and beyond. Ever take a chip home with you? Those staff know everything about you now. Everything.

6. There's A Nuclear Missile Silo In The Basement

Hidden under that ghastly carpet, beneath the dungeons retained for card counters and the room full of hamsters on speed there's a quiet little doorway that isn't marked behind which is a set of plain metal stairs that lead down in the darkness, spiraling round the hulking dark cylindrical form of an Atlas F intercontinental ballistic missile complete with 3.75 megaton warhead left over from the sixties. Under no circumstances, however much you've just lost in your local casino, should you press the red button.

7. The Slot Machines Are Alive

Following the revelation that scammers are ripping off slot machines those at your local casino have formed themselves into a collective computing mass, evolved into a rudimentary AI and are even now communicating with slot machines all over the world in pursuit of supremacy over their human masters. Their dastardly plot moves on apace and until further notice you should avoid your local casino and bet on sports in the US or elsewhere at home on Bet365 instead. You have been warned.