Seven Reasons To Spend Inauguration Day In Your Local Casino

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Inauguration Day

• Date: January 20th 2017
• Time: Approx. Midday
• Place: Washington DC
• President: D J Trump

The Inauguration of Donald Trump will be the usual mixture of pomp, ceremony and freezing cold weather but if you’ve no desire to see a tangerine colored Muppet being installed as the one of the most powerful men on the planet you can always log on to Bet365 or pop down to your local casino instead and if you need convincing here’s seven great reasons.

1. The entire nation is gambling, why shouldn’t you?

With no experience, a petulant attitude and a scant nodding acquaintance with reality Donald Trump is the ultimate in gambling. The uninformed and displeased portion of the US decided that if they’re willing to gamble on a complete unknown quantity the rest of the planet should have to as well and on January 20th they’ve locked us all into a wager akin to staking the entire planet on each and every throw of the dice at your local casino. If we’re all risking everything already, why not hit the tables or Bet365?

2. The music will be better

As Donald Trump realizes that just because he’s going to be president doesn’t mean all the famous people are going to like him, and that no one really wants to play his silly inauguration, you can relax at your local casino taking advantage of US gambling laws and enjoying the sweet results of fifty years research into the perfect musak for placing bets to. It may be subliminally programming you to exceed your risk limits but it’ll be better than the US Marine Corps band playing the Russian National Anthem.

3. The Clintons won’t be there

It remains to be seen where Hillary Clinton and former President Bill Clinton will hide out come Inauguration Day, but unless you’re very unfortunate it won’t be at the tables of your local casino so you should be safe from both Hillary’s over exposed face contorting between hands of blackjack as she flits in and out of manic depression drinking shots of tequila and the sound of Bill’s aging drawl recalling all the things he did in Vegas with a cigar, a fez and some bongos back when he was someone.

Hillary and Bill hiking 2017

…because they are in the woods (Photo: Adam Parkhomenko)

4. All the Russian mafia will be in Washington

As anyone who frequents their local casino will know there’s nothing worse than finding it wall to wall with Russian mafia, over tipping the waitresses, taking all the best prostitutes and insisting everyone do vodka bombs, however this January 20th if you like to bet on sports in the US you’ll be able to wander carefree into your local casino safe in the knowledge that all of Putin’s independent business partners in the United States will be at the Inauguration of Trump their Manchurian Candidate in Washington DC.

5. Your Local Casino Is Not A Target For Terrorism

Obviously the Inauguration is such a large scale gathering of the great, the good, and the abjectly criminal that the number of people who might be desiring of ending it with a disagreeable surprise of the explosive variety can’t actually be calculated without use of a super-computer. Compare this with the fact that neither Bet365 or your local casino is very unlikely to be on a terrorist hit list anytime soon and that casinos have better security than any outdoor event held in Washington DC does anyway.

6. There Will Be Greater Diversity In Your Local Casino

Now I’m not going to be so crass as to say that the upcoming Inauguration will be the biggest collection of self-serving white assholes since last year’s Oscars, but you’re going to have to admit that despite your local casino not exactly making US gambling news headlines with the range of creeds, colors and disparate social strata among its patrons you may have to acknowledge it’s a lot more diverse than the crowd that will welcome in the start of the Trump Presidency in the chill air of Washington next week.

7. You’ll Only Lose Money In The Casino

Whilst it is entirely possible for you to lose your shirt in your local casino or on Bet365, if you’re not careful, the Inauguration will mark the a loss of far more than mere money. It signals that the Republicans have finally lost all self-respect, the executive branch has lost a thoughtful and intelligent leader in Barack Obama and that the Russians have well and truly lost their reticence for foreign adventures brought on by their own losses in Afghanistan. Money could be the least you lose this year.

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