You just got the awkward phone call from your Friday night conquest and your mind is already racing. All you can think about is your STD probability.
Introduction: STD Probability
It’s certain that your pathetic and needy weaner is gonna drop off. Or start shooting out cancer or genetically mutated babies. That you’ll now need to tell every chick that your dick is no longer fit for purpose. Yep, that spells the end of your sex life. Might as well just kill yourself. Bet you wished you’d stayed in playing Intertops casino online. OK, OK…calm down. Let’s rewind a little, shall we?
The Beginning of the End
So you and the guys went out on Friday night on your usual adolescent bender. On the prowl looking/praying/begging to get laid. On a pussy hunt. As the alcohol befuddles your pea sized brain, your list of requirements gets shorter and shorter. In the end, anything with two legs and a pulse will suffice. As long as it doesn’t bark, then we’re all good. Countless beers and shots later, you finally score. Yeah, she’s the last chick any one should approach. Even with a long stick and a fully sealed anti-radiation suit. Hell, maybe it’s been round the block a few times and is pretty rough around the edges. But it appears to be breathing. And it has a pussy! In the end, the combination of drunkenness and desperation mean that beggars can’t be choosers. As they say in Star trek….”to boldly go where no man has been before”.
STD Probability: Say You Didn’t Do the Do
But being a dumb ass, you didn’t bring a condom. And you still did the dirty do! Have you not heard of Russian roulette? Or watched the Final Destination movie? As gambling is obviously your thing, then take a look at these online gambling sites in the US. A few days later, like a terrifying ghost from the horror movie that is your pathetic sex life, the thing calls you. It says that because it’s vag was more itchy than a flea infested bag of, well, fleas….it went to the doctor. The doctor said it has a case of ******!!! And here we are. With you weeping on the floor in a pool of your own regret.
Some Home Truths
First things first….calm down. According to online news, most of the information about STD probability only focuses on the actualities, causes, treatments and those scary worst case scenarios. So your first reaction is not surprising. But the real world is a very different place. What we rarely see discussed are real world numbers. Like the number of partners you’d need to bone without protection before contracting said STD. Or how common/uncommon they are. So, in the interest of saving yourself from reaching for the kitchen knife to chop off your chopper, let’s have a realistic look at your STD probability.
Feels Like: A bit itchy…but take some pills and it’s gone.
Cure: Yes (2-4 Weeks)
US Prevalence (new cases annually): 2.86 million
Number of partners till meeting : 38 Partners
Condom Proof: Yes
Feels Like: Painful. Look out for pus. Take some pills and it’s gone.
Cure: Yes (within a month)
US Prevalence (new cases annually): 820,000
Number of partners till meeting : 134 Partners
Condom Proof: Yes
Feels Like: Itchy and scratchy
US Prevalence (new cases annually): 102,000
Number of partners till meeting: 1,078 partners
Condom Proof: No
HPV (High-Risk and Low-Risk Strains)
Feels Like: A temporary nuisance
Cure: No, but it typically leaves after a few years. There is also a vaccine
US Prevalence: Nearly 80 million US infected +14 million new infections a year.
Number of partners till meeting: 4 Partners
Condom Proof: Not entirely. HPV spreads by skin-to-skin contact
STD Probability: Genital Herpes
Feels Like: Itching. Ulcers, scabs, red spots. There’s a good chance you already have it.
Cure: No, but who cares?
US Prevalence: 24.1 million
Number of partners till meeting: 13 Partners
Condoms Proof: No
Feels Like: Tiredness, fever, swollen lymph nodes, purple spots
Cure: No but you’ll live
US Prevalence: 1.1 million
Number of partners till meeting: 1,250 Partners
Condoms Proof: Yes
STD Probability: Conclusions
What have we learnt about your STD probability? Well, for a start no STD will result in your death or your dick falling off. Most can be quickly cured. You STD probability is actually pretty low. In fact when you think about your friends and/or sexual partners, very few have ever reported any of the above. You probably have never met someone HIV positive or even met a woman with cervical cancer. But we all know someone who had an unwanted pregnancy. Now go off and have a punt with Intertops. It’ll help take your mind off things. Like your shame!